BEYONDexistence

If there’s one feeling I would call the ‘best feeling in the world,’ it’s the feeling of accomplishing something that was once surely ‘IMPOSSIBLE.’ And, when I couldn’t help make that happen for someone, I left the ‘Mile 3’ marker behind, now alone, being pushed hard by a fire fueled with a very different feeling: The feeling that I had failed.
REWIND. A week earlier, my incredible(y beautiful) work wife watched me in wonder of how I was actually going to do it. We were in Bar Harbor, ME. and I was falling over with my bike that weighed way to much and was packed way wrong. Back to square one: I unpacked and repacked leaving what I could spare and, still wobbling a bit (I hadn’t ridden with bags in years… not to mention that I hadn’t actually ridden a bike at all, all year), stepped on and disappeared around the corner. So that was that. I was on my way down the Atlantic coast with everything I needed for 3 months on the back of my bike and on my back. It took me the week to reach Kittery, ME, because I was SERIOUSLY out of shape.

I stayed nearby with my sister for the week leading up to the race and after what felt like a lifetime in anticipation, Friday came. I got a ride to Vermont with an awesome friend that I’ve actually hardly spent any time with until then.

I am in love with the ways life spins us around, sends us on wild rides, and surprises us around every single corner. The way it keeps some people around and brings some people back, or even brings  someone totally new. I love not knowing. I love making funky connections. I love “coincidences” or whatever they are 😉 The entire weekend was a wild, funky, and surprising ride and I can only hope that the memory of it will hang around my heart for a while.

I met this woman on Christmas Eve in 2012, during an extremely important time in my life that I really think helped to steer me to some of the other places I’ve gone. We met SO briefly but the circumstances caused quite fast friendships and the internet kept us in touch. And what do you know, she decided to start running Spartan Races! So we spent hours in the car together, finally having the chance to ‘get to know’ each other a little bit. She dropped me off
at the hilarious Hugging Bear Inn, which she miraculously and unknowingly pulled up to the front door to ask, “where is the Hugging Bear Inn?” when we lost our GPS signals, where I stayed with a different great friend. We reminisced about last years race over a delicious and late dinner at the same Scottish Pub that we’d eaten at after crossing the finish line together.

5AM IS SO NORMAL. The routine is routine. KT Tape, compression leggings, braided hair… Pulling up to races don’t give me the butterflies they once did, but pulling up to that mountain gave me butterflies. They were butterflies of extreme excitement, love of the sport, love of the place, and memories. I’m not a skier (or a snowboarder) so Killington means nothing to me besides Spartan Racing. In 2014, the Killington Beast was not only my first ever beast (3rd ever race), but it was the World Championship course. I stayed with a group and it took us a brutal 11.5 hours. I thought I was crazy. In 2015, I drove to the mountain trying desperately to shake the nerves of running alone for the very first time. In 2016 I had the race of my life two days in a row on that course, making my first back-to-back beast weekend. I could hardly contain myself as we waited in traffic to park. I jumped out of the car and already found a friend parked right next to us. I quickly ran into most everyone I knew. I LOVE THAT EVEN THOUGH WE ALL LIVE FAR WE STILL GET TO SEE EACH OTHER AND NEVER HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE. ❤

I wandered through the venue with a smile on my face and so many people I’ve never seen before smiled back. That is absolutely my favorite atmosphere. The smiling type. As if I could have been any happier, I stood at the start line with two of the best human beings I know, pumped up by the music, and basking in what felt like a perfect moment. They left me behind, thinking about how lucky I am to get to share their warm and powerful energy, as they took on the mountain.

I began the race with the woman I’d gotten to know during the previous day’s car ride, and was inspired by her willingness to take on something so unknown. We parted ways, but, thinking of her, I raced my heart out. After a full year of trying to heal an injury, a year of very few races, and, at that, all walking races, a year of not being able to run or hike, and then a second injury adding months of not being able to do burpees, or even ride a bike, it was time. Just one month earlier I started to put on my first few miles very slowly and hesitantly, and then, feeling encouraged, I tested out some hill running at the WV race. So, I knew I was finally readyISH.

I started pushing up the hills as hard as I could and I realized something! I like hiking up hills better than pedaling up them! LOL. I smiled to myself because only I knew the funny thoughts I was thinking about struggling SO HARD the week before on my bike, but knowing that it had given me some of the power I was feeling. I had speakers on my pack – originally to keep me entertained during a long and easy going day – for the very first time, and although I wished I didn’t have the extra weight when I first started running, I decided I was stuck with them anyway and quickly fell in love with them as much as I fell in love with everything else that day. I felt like there was no place in the world I was more meant to be.

TARZAN SWING! THE BEST! I jumped into the cold lake, all nerves! Not because the obstacle scared me but because I was scared of disappointing myself. With each grip change to the next rope, I felt my hands fighting, but it was the moment that I fought for the bell that I let define me. Last year I struggled just to kick the bell because it was so far from the last rope. This year, knowing for the most part that the ‘no kicking the bell’ rule went for everything, I decided early on there would be no kicking it. With one hand on each of the last two ropes, the bell was so far away from me; and not just out ahead, but up too. The only way would be to have all efforts in perfect sync: momentum, timing, aim, and will. I couldn’t see the bell as I plummeted back into the water but I felt it on my fingertips and I shot back up to the surface (thanks to the awkward orange life vest) with tears in my eyes. When there’s a will, there’s a way!

The trail was completely bottle-necked by the time I got into the woods, but my feet wouldn’t slow down so I took the off-road, through-the-brush trail and continued on.

DEATH MARCH. ITS FUN I SWEAR. Some guys thanked me for the music and ran passed me. I told them we’d really appreciate it around the corner but I’m not sure they knew what was around the corner. I paused to look up into the sky where people turned into specks, and once I took my next step I knew there could be no stopping. 1 mile. Straight into the sky. With a few of the Ultras who were closing in on their second lap around me, DJ Kahled’s ‘All I do is Win’ came on and carried us up the mountain. They all thanked me, but it was my pleasure. The connection of music to physical energy has never been more intense and apparent. I had so much fun on that brutal ascent… not so much on the descent but what goes up must come down and so down I hobbled.

I KNEW IT WAS SOMEWHERE. I could hear a familiar sound of gravel hitting plastic and I had to have a serious debate with myself. I’d completed every obstacle that had a men’s option by doing the men’s option and this was the last one. At mile 13. A 1/4 mile loop. Of course I had to but it was one of the worst things I’ve ever made myself do. HA. When I found and swung through the multi-rig and did my only burpees of the day at the spear throw (DUH cause I’ve missed it 100% of the time) it all felt so unnaturally effortless after that bucket carry. When I landed off of Olympus and knew that it was over, I was instantly so emotional. I tried not to look like a dork but it was hopeless and I crossed the finish line in tears. I knew all at once that I’d given the race all of my heart, and it gave me even more back.

I rounded the corner in a daze. No banana, no water. And right ahead of me but walking away was someone I was hoping to see. He’d left me at the start line so many hours earlier but he was still there.. right there. My legs suddenly weren’t tired anymore and I ran to catch him. We spent a perfect afternoon simply enjoying each other’s company,  an entertaining evening eating delicious burgers and tossing dollar bills on thumbtacks into the ceiling, and a sleepless night in a very crowded house on the top bunk in a bedroom that was the temperature of a sauna. I wouldn’t trade a moment.

5AM IS NORMAL! DAY 2. No double lap, just volunteering :). We hooked up with the SR Timing Superwoman who was in a way the reason that we’d met in the first place half a year ago and she hooked us up with a great day. Waiting for the action to start, we raced across Olympus. I was thankful to have someone to share the kind of fun I’m usually “crazy” for. We learned about little things we never would have thought about, but nonetheless are a part of what makes Spartan Race tick. So that was cool. But what was really cool was having a morning to share with people who really inspire me: to look at life through hungry eyes and to be a better me.

With one hour left at Killington, we took a gondola ride to the top of the mountain and I COULD NOT believe (or help laughing at) how long the ‘death march’ looked from above! It just went on, and on, and on! Pretty awesome. (Maybe I say awesome too much but I do really mean AWEsome). When we stepped out into the incredible view, the beautiful day became more beautiful as we shared something even more special than reaching the top of the ‘death march’ at the top of that mountain.

For a 4th year, the Spartan Race at Mt. Killington is one for my books. It was nothing I expected, more than I could have hoped for, and enough to fill my heart. I can’t wait until next time 🙂